The state of the journey

I find myself lost in the sea. Though this was expected of my journey, what was not expected was the pace at which things hit me. I am thinking now:"Am i worth it?". This question is strange, because it asks u everything in just four words. For a dichotomous answer I would say No. For a more detailed answer it would be: Am i worth it? Not yet, but stay tuned! There is one thing that I have noticed in people of great minds and great achievements. They manage their time. You have 24 hours in a day, 8 of which go for sleeping, 4 of which go for the housekeeping activities of your body. The remaining 12 hours are what we have in our hands. These are the hours that make the great people what they are and the average man what he is. Time is definitely a precious commodity. The main ingredient of success is not of having talent that can beat anybody elses, but it is the whole of the mind and the body to be tuned into whatever you wanna do in your life. Every beautiful achievement is like a consciously planted tree. You carefully choose a place to plant it. Then plant the seeds of change. Put water and take good care of it. You also enrich it with fertilizers and supplements. Some or even all parts of your life will be almost spent in thinking about the tree, when and how it grows up etc etc. Any great achievement can be thought of in the same way. The seeds of change sown by the conciousness. The decision to work hard to make it possible no matter what, and a single minded dedication to succeed. Ultimately the consciously taken decision to fight and then the hard work of fighting it through. I am losing it on two grounds. I am not working hard and I am not utilizing my time. Everyone who knows me would note that I have been successful enough to be called successful, but it is never even close to the kind of success that I expect to get. Not even close to where I expect to see myself in sometime. I know that this is a long journey and I am biding some time to cleanse myself of my idiosyncracies. Nevertheless, i feel that I have wasted too much time biding and relaxing, and that makes me unhappy. Philosophically speaking, Satisfaction and Hapiness is objective i.e. derived from ones own actions and in an ideal case should not depend on others or their actions. This means that they dont come for free and that you would have to work for them. I am not working hard enough. I am not searching hard enough for opportunities. I am making myself weak and feeble for the monster called time to eat me off. I am not giving my dreams the run of my life. My adrenaline no longer rises when I dream of something that no one has yet seen. It looks like a part of me has died and it does not sound good at all. I am planning some changes, and I shall note them here and also note how much of it I achieved. Everytime I change in some positive direction I notice that there is something that destroys it. I have come to see a pattern. It does not show anything superhuman, it shows that I dont have the will power to do what I have to at any cost. In such a case how will I ever attain what I have set to achieve. Another aspect is a bit funny and emotional. I have always dreamt that I would be madly in love with someone. It is both a physical and an emotional need. A Ying-Yang thing. It is somehow disturbing me that I have not yet come accross a woman whom I shall say "I love you" and mean it for all what I am worth. Or maybe, the problem is in being worth. "Am I worth the kind of woman that I want to fall in love with", The answer : No. The detailed answer : Not right now, but tommorow for sure. Then wait for tommorow, build yoursslf up and you shall be just fine. Waiting! And the wait is killing me. It is difficult to see yourself change. Emotions are like muscles. The more you put yourself into something the more emotional you become in that aspect. The more time you devote the more strong you become. It maybe a healthy growth OR it maybe an obsession. My emotional muscles are slack now. I have a weak emotional muscle for achievement. In other words, I am emotionally obese. Like the fat kid who lives around the corner doing nothing but eating chocolate and watching TV. Waiting! Suddenly one comes to realize that there are no miracles, you have to build the miracle with your own hands. And henceforth starts the new chapter of my journey. A quest to rejuvenate, by doing something that holds meaning. Will post more, as soon as time permits.